I don’t know where I’m going,
I don’t know where my home is,
I’m like a bird…
In the time of passage such as these times, often we wonder about the point – where all this shall lead us. We are divided among ourselves on those who trust and those who do not. And I confess! I have an issue with trusting the world these days. Oppression and depression, ruining the planet, ruining sanity and empathy, while richer are getting richer, and hungry hungrier because, just 5 richest people in the world could abort the hunger in the world. Hey, but they would like to earn just a little bit more by producing vaccine and some more rockets to some other planet so they can ruin that one too.
No, I am not in the brightest spot but we just have to stop polishing our faces with poisonous make up, brushing our skin with fake touches and making our dull eyes smile with Botox. Do not be so negative, you are not meditating enough, you are not working enough, you are sleeping too much, work out more, smile more, push more! Waaaaaait a second!!! Who said I came to this Planet to be a slave??? Who said I signed this? Who is that One? Let me see you face! And just nobody to take their responsibility!
Yes, I am in the spot where I see that working hard does not pay off every time and that I have to eat that shit sandwich (Liz Gilbert wrote about it in her book “The Big Magic”). These are days when I have to own myself like a ruler owns a ruled, not to lose my mind asking myself
Photo: Ivana Filip, 2021
Make a schedule, make a list, do it, do it, do it, one by one, running, walking, meditation, writing, feeding cats, drinking coffee, breakfast, work work work, relax, do not watch that screen for 5 minutes, breeeeeeath…breeeeeeath…..and breeeeeeeeath….oh, shower feels so good.
In some of these days I ask myself Quo Vadis? with my artistic practice. I check my 5-year plans, one, second, crossed words, some I have accomplished, some oh still not, dragging them from one year to another, and another…just want to scratch them out of the paper. Then, there is another list in my phone and on my computer and eventually they unify but it grows like a fat little baby fed by her grandma (I was:).
DISCIPLINE IS THE ONLY CARD, SO PLAY IT HARD! (Liz Gilbert)
So, I know art is my therapy and my joy. It shouldn’t be a fatigue because of the insecurity that it does not feed my wallet. Thinking about that brings more fatigue and kills appetite to create anything, I just want to destroy. If art is a project, then what do we do in between when we draw and sketch and paint, when we do not feel it as a project? Everything become professionalized and projected so Quo Vadis? everyday creative drawings who are never ever going to become Projects? Hopefully they survive the competition of all the projects because they seem so serious and professional. It has been some time since artists could dress up like Basquiat and go for a meeting. Can I bring my cat too?
What I am saying in all this is that the most important thing seems to stay sane, lower the intensity of living and go back to basics. Find something that makes you smile, do something even if you do not know where it leads you, but feels good for your heart and body like walking and breathing, listening birds and watching them jumping on trees, being alone, observing a flower, writing a poem even if you feel it is the worst ever. Make art for your soul and if people do not like it (for those who share it); let them make their own!
OK, is that too much complaining? But, you still arrived to this point!
The final point: I do not know where I am going but that it just fine. We do not have too know because we do not have total control. I will keep the idea of control for future post.
In one occasion a person asked Dalai Lama a question to which he answered ‘I don’t know.’ So, let’s take the flow of the unknown and ride that wave. I hope you are a good swimmer, but apparently floating is an option.
Love and thanks,