Why does my heart feel so bad?

by | tra 19, 2021 | Everyday, Home, Silkscreen, Works | 0 comments

“I want to sing like the birds sing, not worrying about who hears or what they think.”
― Rumi

It is Sunday morning and I take a quick jump out of my bed to write a few sentences that were mingling around, for my film in production. I felt satisfied because at least one of the thoughts generated in nano speed was useful and creative. The other ones are not worthy of mention, but I must thank my brain for being active and working. It could be the other way round. Bless your blessings!

It started good just to become worse. In a world of illusion we live in, a world of ”likes” and sensationalism, do you ever wonder why does your heart feel so bad? You know something is stingy and not quite right but again, it leads to another polarity game of bad and good, right and wrong, and a lost day of overthinking. What I am saying is that even though we know something is deeply wrong with priorities these days, we should take care of our hearts. Yes, Heart! When was the last time you communicated with your Heart? When was the last time you asked It (though It is alive I cannot find a better word) how It was? No, I am not losing my mind because I have lost it some time ago, never ever have felt fully adjustable to this world order, but mind me, just try it for your sake of experiment. Just spend 5 minutes of your precious time, that you will never ever have again in your life, take it from that n-th social media post watching, and talk with your Heart. Ask one question or more, but be aware that every communication develops with time. It’s not that you met your partner and said, “hey let’s get together now”, and that she/he totally went for it, the same second. If you did, pardon me; I am still learning Life!

Back to your Heart and your time. Have you ever asked yourself whether this could be the first and/or last time you spoke with your Heart? The next second you might be going to the other space. Dead. Not dead as not existing, but dead as existing in spirit without this body that carries you this second. As Buddhist practice, every night before you go to sleep, imagine how it would be not to wake up. Scary very. I practice it wishing to strengthen my faith in Life and all there is.


Image: Ivana Filip, Can you feel my heart beat?, silkscreen, 2021

Back to your Heart and your time. The time is short. As a kid of 13 years I read a book about Einstein and wrote down my favourite quotes. I didn’t not comprehend it fully but there was something, that time, indescribable that connected me with his thoughts, to him. I was impressed with unlimited imagination and time-space relation. So, when I travel, I like to play a game with time. I do something interesting such as reading a fine book that takes my awareness of time and then I try to trick the time; I check my watch. It goes so fast. In other cases, such as traveling by train from the main city to my parents where train stops in every possible village on the way, I just feeeeeeeeeel sooooooooooooooostreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetcheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed! Feels like I live 1000 years. Goooooooooooooooooood, would run inside train help to speed up time? It seems so because there is always someone walking up and down, but not because they want to avoid ticket inspector.

Therefore, how much time do you have? How much time do you need?

Nobody won this battle! I was disappointed too when I got to know that my time too on our beautiful Pacha Mama Earth, is LIMITED! I fell into what I called – black hole – of nothingness and fear.

Will I have time to meet him? What about mark in Mathematics? Oh, I want to go out this Saturday and dance! And many years after (thanks to spirits for keeping me so long though sometimes it felt as torture), I wake up every morning and I thank for being alive because, today more than 10000 people will not. Thanks to whom? Sometimes to God, god, Spirit, Angel, Heart, space, my Soul, my Being, Love, Life, Energy, Creator, Jesus, Buddha, Shiva, name them, and they are in my “helper toolbox”. Sometimes I don’t and I show them all middle finger for being quiet assholes and now giving a damn about me! They can handle it and if they cannot, surely, they don’t deserve to be in my toolbox. We have open relationship! I am very open and met a few of them in some way so I love to have them on my speed dial. Most of the time, though, I hear something of a help.

Who cheers your Heart up? Your Heart is the most powerful machine you will ever meet! A perfect Perpetuum Mobile! It doesn’t give a break, you know! So, take a break and spend some time in the best company – gorgeous, calm and wise. You have It, I have It, my cat has It, the pigeon has It. Maybe oysters do not, but that does not make them less important in this story or other. Just as the heart is an organ, it is a symbol too, of potential this Life has. And while I might not be the heart of this life, I can be a dance with a heart. Life is a dancer and you are a dance said Gabrielle Roth, creator of 5 Rhythms.

There should be no fear for a heart full of curiosity and passion. While passion might be hard to pin down, curiosity is probably what you are already doing. It is something that makes you feel good. Pouring it over your heart means pouring it over many hearts. These days we are all full of fear. Fear of being small and doing it wrong and fear of feeling less beautiful, less smart, less rich…. Though I grew up with certain privileges, still a few of them were colour blind. One of them is called – feeling small. So often my heart felt so bad. This is something we all experienced. And if you haven’t, lucky you, good for you, I am glad for you. We need more of that and since we cannot change our past’s, we change our now’s. Slowly like turtles, we take one leg and took tok, another leeeeeeg, toooooook, and we walk. Finally, we run and breath and oxygen tastes so good in our lungs, and we cry and we walk. Breath. We live. Today we are alive.

And I love these writings because, you see, though I would love you to enjoy it, I am not so dependent on your opinion; I love it, not because I think it is the best writing the world has yet to discover but because it makes me feel alive, honest, sometimes stronger and sometimes vulnerable, but it drags me out of those hundred thoughts that try to paralyse me and leave with bitter ego echo last bits of the song – poor you, small you, look at others…. And I hope you ask your Heart why you’re upset and it leads you to your dance. Just because it makes you-you-you smile!

Love and thanks,


Kolekcija radova i proizvoda Ivane Filip inspirirana je njenim dugogodišnjim istraživanjem, brigom i bliskim suživotom s neljudima. Proizvodi predstavljaju nastavak razvoja njene umjetničke prakse s nadom da će pridonijeti i vašem bliskijem odnosu s neljudima, a možda usrećiti i blisku osobu. Svaki mjesec donirat ćemo 10% mjesečnog dobitka udrugama za zaštitu životinja u RH.

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